Do you Fight Wrong?

man and woman wearing brown leather jackets
Your Amazing Life
Your Amazing Life
Do you Fight Wrong?

Welcome to “Your Amazing Life” and thanks for being here. We discuss tools and tricks to create an Amazing Life in this blog. There are a few powerful ways you can support us. It would help if you subscribe to us and leave a rating/ review, in it, leave your top takeaways from what we talked about, and also interact with the community on the Facebook page. Next, be a hero to your friends and family and share it with them… Lastly, sponsor it. Your support makes a massive difference. Check out the show notes for links to the subjects we discuss and if you have any topics, you would like me to address just put them in the private Facebook group. I want to give a couple shout outs first to Sebastian a follower and to my Florida tribe. I appreciate them, growing and sharing the podcast with their friends and family. Let’s get into Your Amazing Life.

Let’s suppose it is Friday and evening is coming on. You have a good idea what you will find when you get home and you are dreading getting there. You know the fight will be outrageous. It will boil over and last the whole evening. The feelings are already welling up as you get into the car. You drive home playing the same tape in your head over and over. You are feeling some frustration, not understood, and deep-seated annoyance. These are emotions and expectations you are familiar with as this argument has been going on and on. By the time you reach home you are nearly sick with the hurt and frustration you are feeling. You walk in the door and things are just as you expected. You feel this heat rise up in a wave that goes up and over your entire body making you hot under the collar as the saying goes. After the wave crashes over you. You get started; the other person is right there to meet you. They are ready to party! They match your language, tone and noise level and so you bring up areas where they have failed before. You are adept enough to be able to include a date and time stamp for them. They match you. You feel like you are not winning. You up the game, you continue to increase the attack in an attempt to back down your opponent. You know that you are right and if you can just get them to see it and back down things will be great. Your voice raises and the yelling continues. In it you question the persons family tree, you call them by different body parts, and talk about sexual acts and whom they should perform them on. The fight continues on in the same vein. Then in culmination. You just stop talking, you slam the door shut. Maybe this is a physical door or maybe it is just an emotional door. But one way or the other you have closed the other person out.

Have you ever had a fight like the one I described above? Maybe you only used some of the weapons here, not all. Pretty sure most of you can relate on some level to this story. When did the fight start? You might say when I entered the house, or maybe not till the yelling and name calling. But let’s look more closely. The fight started long before you walked into the house. In fact, in this case, it started before you got into the car. It started with the expectation that you put together as you contemplated going home. If you doubt me on this, I would love to have you send me a message on the Facebook page on an example of a fight that didn’t start as an expectation. They should have known or they should have done it differently. I have had expectations come hours before or right at the moment. But the unmet expectation is when the fight begins. The fight is about getting your expectations met. In this story, on the ride home as you played out the experience over and over again it was part of the fight that you had with yourself. Maybe even having discussions with the other person in your head complicated the matter or made the fight worse. I have never worked out a problem between me and someone else without them being a part of the solution. In the argument you have in your head do they ever get solved? Other people are usually more pigheaded in my brain than they are in person.

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Today I asked the question do you fight wrong. In it I told a story of coming home loaded for bear because of an expectation. When we get home the expectation is then fulfilled and this heat wave smashes over us. Then we then start to raise our voice in an attempt to coerce the other person into our way. That doesn’t work so we up the game and start to blame or name call. We do all of this because there was an unmet expectation we had. This used to be a thing for me. I would be home before my wife when I left in the morning the kitchen was clean. I walk through the backdoor into the kitchen and the first thing I would see is these dirty dishes all over the counters and sink. At that point that heatwave washed over me. I expected my boys to clean up after themselves. I wanted to come home to a tidy kitchen. That heatwave would quickly spark a fire that not even a fire extinguisher could put out. I would start with yelling. I would include times that they had failed in the past. I had refused to get into name calling but that is the only place I drew the line.

These are some of the worst things that anyone can do during a fight. We talked about the weapons that can be used in a fight. But weapons mean things will get bloody and someone will get hurt. It should be noted here that abuse in any manner physical, emotional, mental, is never okay for one person to do to another. It is possible to hash things out without weapons. Doing this can create love and acceptance. The #1 thing to leave out of a fight is name calling. That is a hurt that you cannot take away. I would place name calling under abuse. It has no place in our relationships or our society. Name calling is hitting below the belt. Name calling does include obscenities but obscenities are not the only way to call someone a name. #2 is the silent treatment or cold shoulder. This is where you slammed the door shut. This leaves the conflict unresolved and leaves the other person alone and hurt. This is very damaging to the relationship and the person. Next #3 bringing up past mistakes or unrelated issues to distract and deflect. Bringing up irrelevant past mistakes is counterproductive and puts them on the defensive. #4 Your focus is on being “right” or “winning” instead of focusing on understanding what is going on and what feelings are happening. #5 Many of the things we say in an argument do not even come out of our mouth. The feelings we have such as anger, frustration, and pain come with a lot of energy. That energy often comes out in our body language. It can be things like avoiding eye contact, rolling eyes, hitting something inanimate, or showing contempt in our facial expressions. So, when you are working to hash out things be sure to note your nonverbal cues as well as the verbal ones you use.

Here are some things to use when working things out. 

  • Deep breathing
  • Sensory mindfulness (stress ball, stuffed animal)
  • Essential oil diffuser
  • Face the other person (relaxed posture, eyes soft)
  • Mirror the other person’s body language
  • Find common ground
  • Be empathic

If you are tired of suffering, if you want to be kinder to yourself and those around you; If you want to struggle less and feel love more. If you want a truly amazing life that is connected and complete, you need the “You Have Value” program If you are willing to make some changes, be kind to yourself then we need to talk. I would love to help you to create who you are capable of becoming.  Contact me, 801-449-0750.

Next time you’ll hear …What a Difference Hope Makes

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