Welcome to “Your Amazing Life” and thanks for being here. We discuss tools and tricks to create an Amazing Life in this blog. There are a few powerful ways you can support us. It would help if you subscribe to us and leave a rating/ review, in it leave your top takeaways from what we talked about, and also interact with the community on the Facebook page. Next, be a hero to your friends and family and share it with them… Lastly, sponsor it. Your support makes a massive difference. Check out the show notes for links to the subjects we discuss and if you have any topics, you would like me to address just put it in the private Facebook group. I want to give a couple shout outs first to a new follower Kate and to my California tribe. I appreciate them, growing and sharing the podcast with their friends and family. Let’s get into Your Amazing Life.
Because you are here you have had things happen to you. Maybe you have been deceived or lied to, maybe you had promises given that were not honored. Sometimes those experiences were a single event other times they happened time and again. Maybe they happen over and over again and they are from the same person. If it is a single event, like someone is supposed to call you for a job interview and doesn’t, you move on and go forward with your life. No harm no foul. A single event is less likely to be something you teach others. But if it is happening to you more than just once in a while you may be teaching others that you expect to be treated that way. We then want to look at most adult-to-adult relationships; family members, significant others, friends, and coworkers. In all of these you get to affect how you get treated in these relationships. You train others as to what you will accept and what you will not. The things that you accept will keep happening in the relationship because you gave it the okay.
Early in my wife Evelyn’s and I relationship, in fact it was while we were still dating. We discussed and set up ground rules of what was and was not acceptable behavior between the two of us. How we could act when someone got hurt, what control one could play out over the other. We both agreed that some things were not allowed for either of us to do. We didn’t know what a big deal this would be over our marriage. But it has made a huge difference. There were a couple ruff times. Times when we had to create rules that had not been part of the initial setup. But we then determined if it was acceptable and allowable. Then we updated the contract. But due to the ground rules we set we have usually felt love and accepted as we go along. But I had to determine how I would allow myself to be treated. Then I needed to stick to those. For example, I knew that I would not allow myself to be hit, nor would I allow for my will to be taken. If I was told I couldn’t do something I would do it and pay the price however great, just so that I could say that I made the decision. So, in our relationship I created rules that told Eve how she could and could not treat me. Evelyn has done the same There are things that I have learned not to do or say to her. This has produced a very safe and satisfying relationship.
What does not work in setting up how we want to be treated? Dishing out to others what they have dished up for us, attempting to make them pay, inflicting the pain of our emotion onto them, and trying to one up them. None of these work, because they are attempting to punish others. But this will rarely change behavior. How do you respond when being taught a lesson? Treating others this way is counterproductive and unkind. It is something that comes after the action and may or may not be seen as tied to the action. Since these do not work, I do not recommend using these. It will create unhappiness in you and your relationship.
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We are talking about how we teach others how they can treat us. We started with how we have all been lied to at some point or deceived by people we are around. We talked about it being a one-time problem or a way of life. We are discussing how our beliefs tell others the way we expect them to treat us. I gave examples of how Evelyn and I set up and then have to update our rules as time has gone on and we have learned more. Then we discussed how making them pay or inflicting pain doesn’t change the way others treat us.
So, what does work? First off teaching by example. We should want others to be treated with dignity and grace just like that is what we should expect. When you model the behavior, you want others are going to want to treat you similarly. If you are late or don’t show up for others, they will most likely treat you the same way. Many might not even do it consciously. But as we show what is important to us others will learn to treat us that way. We also teach through consistency When we speak kindly to others even when they are speaking harshly, we show them our expectations. The whole thing is to teach by example and influence. These are great ways of establishing expectations.
After example and influence the next way to teach others how to treat us is to establish simple and appropriate boundaries. We can institute boundaries in regard with time, consideration, mutual respect and honor. Healthy boundaries smooth the flow of relationships and enable them to deeper connection. They help relationships to flourish. There is only one way to set boundaries and that is by using your voice. You must be clear on your boundaries in order to describe them to others. How long would it take to get to work in the morning if there were no stop lights or road signs. Boundaries do for your relationships what stop lights and road signs to your commute. Be sure to set appropriate boundaries and then clearly explain them.
There are two powerful tools in teaching people how we want to be treated. The first one is to reinforce behaviors that you want. What gets rewarded gets repeated. If the behavior you want is not done no need to make a speech or big deal about it. Just withholding the reward will be enough. So, if someone is late and they apologize then simply accept the apology and forgive them. If they are on time, reward them generously. The next tool is one of my favorites. It is amazing the power of an insightful question. This was made popular by the Greek philosopher Socrates. It is now known as the “Socratic” method. To use this tool, you must ask questions that lead to the discovery of truth. I used this today. My stepdaughter came in and asked should I cut this garlic in half? I answered that question with a question with the amount of information you gave me. How can I possibly answer that? Do I have the information needed to attempt it? I could have gotten out of my chair and gone into the kitchen and read the instructions. I then could have given her the answer she was looking for. But then I would have accepted responsibility for her communication. Then I would have made it harder on me and easier on her. By asking those questions she processed through the question she had asked to determine what info needed to be included to get the answer and then was able to gain the insight on how I want to be asked questions and what information needs to be included for her to get the info that she wants. It works better for people to lead it on their own rather than it being spit out at them. She will learn if I consistently apply that to each question, she asks how to ask a question with the information needed to create an answer. Then she will learn to ask those questions of herself and get the answer on her own. This will make her more independent. Using rewards and questions in relation to how people treat you are very powerful tools in how you allow yourself to be treated.
If you are tired of suffering, beating up on yourself, overreacting, using avoidance tactics, breaking your word, and doing it over and over again; If you want to struggle less and enjoy more. If you want a truly amazing life that is connected and complete, you need the “you have value program” If you are willing to make some changes, be kind to yourself, fail forward and continue to try, or stop chasing comfort. I would love to help you to create who you are actually capable of becoming. Contact me, email@example.com.
“Next time we’ll have Thursday’s Exchange with Carrie Mikell… she will talk about being homeless and how that created who she is and what she wants…
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